Envy goes to school
by IWillDefyYouAll
Summary: No summary required to experience the sheer awesomeness of this. Crack/drama/random fic. REALLY RANDOM.


**This is the most...unique thing I've ever written, so bear with me. I wrote this the night I came back from Carowinds...it just came to mind, and I was bleary and tired and wasn't thinking properly. I'm just: Eh, who cares. So, there ye goes. Prepare to die from the sheer awkwardness of it.**

**Envy's POV**

This isn't fair!

Not one bit!

How could they DO this to me?

All I did was mind my own business, just hanging up in the rafters of Central HQ…. Don't look at me like that! I had orders! …..shee… But then, y'know, Mustang (I don't know much about him, other than he's got power over the Chibi, has a fling going with the Riza-chick and that his control over fire hurts like a _witch_. Trust me, I've got experience. …uck. Now I'm shivering…CRAP. I hate looking weak… But anyway, I was up in the rafters with orders from Dante (yeah, I know. I totally hate her too, but …well…no one else will take me in. Nobody takes the real time to look at the freakishly-tall, genderless, and rather untrustworthy looking...thing off the side of the road and give…it…a nice place to stay and love and all that disgusting human stuff that for some reason is so appealing to me. Okay, seriously, stop giving me that look. This is _my_ point of view, so I think that I at least am allowed to display _my_ point of view, right? ….And _yes_, you idiots, I have views. Cold, heartless jerks, you blokes. See? See, _this_ is why I hate humans! You-you hypocrites think you're all that and a bag of chips just because you believe you're "The Superior Species" or something like that.

Listen, you look down on us, and we do the same for a reason. You persecute us! …shee…if I don't shut up now I'm going to say something I'll regret. So, I was kind of just hanging out up there, not doing anything illegal (well…not yet. I have it planned on my "things to do" list…my evening kill, y'know? Oh, come _on_, the look? Listen; just…just hear me out. I'm not human. Don't expect me to do and follow the rules that you all do. It helps me relive stress, dig? Like…like a heated-pad or something. Yeah. It's really stress-relieving, just, y'know, feeling the switchblade sink into the soft skin, and then watching the shocked, slightly-puzzled look on the person's face. All I do is twist my wrist slightly, whilst the switchblade, deep beneath the skin, causes a little gasp from the person, a strangled squeak, then the crinkled, whitening flaps of amber are dyed with the blood. The blood, often the beautiful, healthy crimson, runs in glorious rivets and pools into their clothes. But then again, I often run into the sickly bits of pus leaking through, before the blood comes through, which also turns out to be a dull mahogany. It really depends on the person I choose. Tonight, I don't exactly _have_ a target. It's just whoever happens to be in my way. But I'm especially irritated today, because I haven't gone on a spree since last month. So, you can expect, I'm suffering from withdrawal. )

So there I was, watching Happy-Snap blurb on about school or whatever to Edward, who's expression was of one akin to that of a 50-year-old overweight cat on therapy who looked as though it had just got rejected by an octopus and seemed to be in a state where it didn't know whether to feel confused or disgusted or pleased (mostly because the octopus left it a reclining chair with a Kool-Aid dispenser installed.) My imagination has improved ever since Lust got a boyfriend, and then since she has ceased to amuse me because she ISN'T THERE. (Hey, it was bound to happen in the next thousand years; that girl's just…wow. And I'm her mentally-disturbed gender-confused brother being deceived by his equally insane "mother" to kill everyone in the world other than her to get revenge on her ex-husband because he forgot one day to take out the trash. Again, my imagination. )

So, Edo was disturbed and Roy's totally in the zone, and I'm lounging in the rafters, nibbling on a philosopher's stone (hey, fast-food, right?) and then, all of a sudden, Roy goes: "But relax. It's not _you_ I'm talking about, it's our new test-subject. And he's right here in this room. Isn't that right, Envy?" He's looking up at me in the shadows then. I nearly choke, then I feel my waist being tugged on, and I'm shoved to the floor below. Oh….it wasn't as high as I thought.

…..Now what?

**XX-Normal POV**

Envy glanced up with a furious glare at the smug Colonel, swiping the back of his gloved-hand over the side of his mouth as a bit of blood dribbled out. But before his wound could heal, onyx-haired Roy deftly smacked his face again. The Homunculus' fingers flew gently to his swelling cheek and contempt adorned his features.

"OW! Wha…what did you do that for?" He snarled and struggled against the two hooded figures holding his arms tightly behind his back.

Roy smiled smugly and patted the green-haired Sin's swollen and rapidly-healing cheek. Envy bared his teeth and bit down hard on the Colonel's fingers.

Roy howled in pain. Ed howled with laughter. And Envy just howled.

The men behind him revealed their faces by ripping off their masks. Both were Mustang's cronies.

"Whew," Jean wiped his brow without releasing his tight grip on the Homunculus' trembling arms. "That was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be." The other man, Breda, nodded.

"So, this is…which Homunculus _is_ this?" He flicked Envy's head and his head whirled around, shifted his voice-box, and roared like a lion right into the poor military-man's face, who yelped in surprise.

"…*cough*…this…is Envy. He's supposed to be tricky…so *cough*, watch out." Roy, who'd caught his bearings, put a heavy hand on the Sin's fluffy green mop, who in reply roared at him.

Edward was watching with mild interest in the back ground, swiveling in a computer chair. "So…the plan was…to lure a Homunculus out here…and force it to…cope with humans?" He said in a bored tone. Roy nodded and Envy released a strangled squeak. "Whaaat?"

Roy leered nastily at him. "Why yes. See, Fullmetal, it's just like doing tests on animals," Envy flinched at the word 'animal'. "-and seeing if he can cope with humans like us civilized people. It was the Fuhrer's idea," Mustang shrugged. "He wants to know if Homunculi can become 'tame' or something." He patted Envy's cheek. Meanwhile, Envy's mind was whirring.

"What's going on exactly?" He wondered aloud and Roy looked startled to actually see him talk.

"Um…well, uh, Envy…we are interested in seeing you adapt to our human cultures and…um…" He looked to Edward as a plea for help. The young alchemist peered out from behind his processor and shrugged. "He wants you to go to a foster family or something with a ton of rules involved and go to school and all that good stuff that all of us normal people had to suffer through." Ed yawned and collapsed back into his chair.

Meanwhile, Envy looked back to Roy in horror. "Wha…why? Why?" He said with widened, fearful violet eyes. For a second, Roy felt terribly sorry for him. He knew _exactly_ how it felt to be taken forcibly from the ones you love and have to be stuck in the lingo of something completely new.

"Naturally, the Fuhrer ordered me to be with you at all times, so," The Colonel swallowed and crossed his arms. "I…um…you're required to come live with Riza Hawkeye…but you'll have to refer to her as Miss Hawkeye. And I'll have to…um, be there too…so we'll be your foster parents for the time being." He coughed and straightened up. "And," He added. "You'll be passed off as a 15 year old and attendant of Stonewell High School in Demostris."

Envy's violet eyes were welling with tears and he scoffed. "Yeah, yeah, I'll just sit here and watch as you'll all plan the next two years of my life for me!" He spat, trying to furiously blink out his tears. He didn't even notice that Havoc and Breda had released him, and now he lay on his knees, staring at the floor and avoiding everyone's eyes.

Roy leaned forward and prodded Envy's forehead. "Hey. It's not gonna be so bad. Now stop crying, it's giving me a headache." He was trying to appear apprehensive, but he just felt so sorry for the sobbing mess on the floor. Edward looked close to tears himself as he watched Envy. He stood up from his computer chair and walked over to the Sin.

"Envy…?"

The green-haired Homunculus glared up in pure contempt. "Go away." He muttered, getting up to his feet, wobbling slightly. "Hey, Envy, c'mon, let's-"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" He screamed and swiped an arm at Ed, who jumped out of the way. Envy, in turn, stared at his left arm in shock. "Why…why didn't it transform?"

"Into what?" Edward shrieked, cowering behind Roy. "Shut it, pipsqueak." He hissed, cradling his arm.

"Oh…I should've mentioned that this room releases a sedative into your skin that temporarily removes your shape-shifting powers for…oh, about 12 months. So, are you going to come quietly or what?" Roy said. Edward stepped forward and put his mechanical hand on Envy's bare shoulder. He didn't even raise his voice.

"Envy…let's go."

Envy looked up at him with confused, watery eyes. He nodded. "Okay." He took Ed's hand and followed him outside.

The door shut quietly. Roy sighed tiredly and pinched the bridge of his nose. "…What am I to do with him?" He wondered aloud and the door reopened. He whirled around. "Oh, Envy, I forgot to mention-"

"Sir?"

It was Riza Hawkeye. Roy cleared his throat. "Oh…hey."

Riza smiled and stepped forward. "Sir, you had better get in the habit of referring to us as your subordinates and not equals…"

Roy chuckled lightly. "What does it matter anymore? We're being forced by the Fuhrer to become the legal temporary guardians of a Homunculus. We're going to be _parents_." The word sounded so peculiar. Parents. To someone hundreds of years older than both of them.

Riza settled down into the computer chair that Edward had recently vacated. "I know. This is a lot to wrap around, but there's not a lot we can do about this, can we? We just need to be patient with him, feed him, give him a warm place to stay, an education, and most importantly, keep him away from firearms. It's just like raising a normal kid, see?" She fiddled idly with a strand of flaxen hair and Roy nodded blithely.

**Hooorrayyy that was AWFUL. See what I meant? Something shoved together at 11 pm...usually isn't top-notch quality. There WILL be a second chapter...just cuz...so PREPARE.**


End file.
